A Church Dilemma

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The deacons in the Baptist church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
--The 50 Funniest Jokes, Readers Digest September 2005, p 101 (only changed slightly)

The Great MooseCapade

What happened that day will never be explainable in human terms though I am sure there is a moose somewhere who could give sufficient information. I was minding my own business early on Saturday morning. We were camping in the mountains not far from home. There was a nice little stream with some beaver dams and ponds. The creekside was filled with willows. I was enjoying my first cup of coffee when I looked up and saw the moose.

I called to my friends and they all came to see the moose, standing in the meadow a few hundred yards from the camp. He was there with a few of his friends and they were nonchalantly browsing their way along the creek bank.

With camera in hand I slipped down to the waters edge to get a good snapshot of them as they wandered past. I was positioned perfectly. I was going to get some good shots. “What was that? Did that moose just wink at me?” I think he did.

“How do you want me to stand for the best pose?”

“Who said that?” I was startled.

“I said it! Who did you think?” And the sound was coming right from the moose.

“I can’t believe I am talking to a moose.” Was all I could think. I looked and he was grinning from ear to ear.

“Well,” he said, “not every one gets an opportunity to talk to a moose. Better make the most of your opportunity.”

“Wow!” I said. “How is it that you can talk?”

“We can always talk,” said the moose. “What is unusual is that you can hear. You have been chosen as MooseMaster.”

“What? What is a moose master and who chose me and why me and what does that mean and ….”

“Hold on a minute buster. One question at a time. And we don’t have forever so make your questions count. What is it you always wanted to know about us Mooses?”

“Mooses? Is that a word?” I asked.

“Do you want to spend your time with grammar questions? Maybe we should choose a new Moosemaster.”

“No, I mean O.K.. I will ask a question. Let’s see. The one thing about Moose, or Mooses that I have wanted to know is how deep you can go under water. The ranger at a museum in Montana said that you could dive 15 feet under water. Is that true?”

“You must have moose understood the ranger. Why would I want to go 15 feet under the water?”

“I don’t know! But I am sure that is what the ranger said.”

“Well,” said the moose, “he was moosetaken. I don’t think I ever knew a moose who would go that deep under the water.”

“Have you ever tried?” I asked him.

“No.”

“Would you like to try?”

“Well, not here. The water is only two feet deep.” And I am sure I heard him chuckle to himself when he said it. “Where was this ranger that told you this fine story about skin diving moose?”

“It was last summer in Grand Teton National Park.”

“Grand Teton National Park!” the moose exclaimed. “Why the water there is so cold even wading to your knees is a mooseareable experience.”

I was about to ask him what the deepest he had ever been was when off in the distance a dog barked. He turned to look, turned back to me, and as he was preparing to leave he said, “well I gotta go.”

“Wait!” I said. “That dog won’t bother you. He is a long ways off.”

“I know but my buddies are leaving and I have to go with them, after all we are the three moosekateers.” And with that, he was gone.

I waited each morning for the rest of my vacation. I was hoping that my moose friend would come back by. I saw a moose off in the distance on the last morning but he never came very close.

I know you probably think I am making this up or perhaps relating a dream. I have a picture of my moose friend to show you. If you look closely in his eyes you can tell that he has just finished a wink. And it just goes to show that you may not want to believe everything you hear a ranger say.

Next time one of them tells you that moose can dive 15 feet under water ask him if he ever saw one or if he is just relating what he has heard. Then tell him it probably isn’t so, and you heard it straight from the moosemaster who heard if from the mouth of the moose.